reasons

Why do I want to die?  Because trying to live with nothing to live for is just too fucking hard.

I possess none of the "normal" anchors that keep middle-aged folks in the game.  I've invested in nothing.  No house.  No savings.  No family.  No career.  My peak earning years have come and gone, and I have little to show for them.  I'm tired.  Here at age forty-eight, I don't have the energy (or desire) to start over again from zero.

I've mentioned health issues in other posts.  There exists a raft of middle-aged-fat-guy ailments, and I have them ALL!  Years of over-eating have yielded GERD, high cholesterol and Type-2 diabetes.  Obesity and repeated gout attacks have destroyed my knees.  All the result of lifestyle choices.  All preventable.

Other conditions are genetic.  My family tree has high blood pressure, cancer and heart attack on one side and Parkinson's on the other.  I'm heading into the decade where these killers begin to kill.  Why continue walking this Earth?  To waste away from some disease?  I watched my grandmother shrivel up and die, scared and helpless.  I just don't care to go out that way.  I'm gonna do this my way, on my terms, by my own hand. 

The "dick" thing--yeah, it's a real problem.  Don't have much, and what I've got doesn't work so well. I've learned that my words and actions telegraph my "shortcoming."  Attractive women just know that I have a small one, and stay far, far away.

"Nothing is very much fun, anymore."-Roger Waters

Of all the pastimes in this life, I have truly enjoyed only four: eating, sleeping, listening to music and masturbating.  Age and medical issues have forced a radical change in my eating habits.  Nowadays, gorging myself at some buffet makes my heart race and keeps me awake all night.  Pizza gives me indigestion.  Bopping the Bishop no longer provides joy or real release.  Just getting it up is a challenge.  The desire is gone, and I've stopped thinking about it.  Rock'n'roll music, my greatest love, has gone by the wayside, too.  Tinnitus in my left ear keeps me from cranking it like used to.  Every song I hear dredges up a memory that I'd just as soon not remember.  Thank goodness for sleep--it's the only thing I still sorta enjoy.  

I display mental illness and a personality disorder.  I can't get along with anyone.  I'm unable to focus.  I'm lazy.  I'm a crazy, cranky asshole that nobody likes.  I have most definitely become someone that the world can do without.